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Your Year in Yarn: 2015 Horoscopes for the Yarn Lover

Writer, illustrator, and knitter Franklin Habit joins us for his monthly column featuring humor and insights into a yarncrafter’s life.

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I’ve just this minute come in from my annual check-up with Madame Bobbie Jean, the psychic down the block. (FYI: She also repairs small electrics.) Looks like I’m in for an interesting ride. Since I was there anyhow I asked her to provide forecasts for all of you, as well. It’s my pleasure, really; and she gave me a fantastic bulk discount.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Yours will be a year of conclusion and fulfillment. In other words, of finishing. You need not fear the second sock. Should you undertake to knit matching hats for everyone at the family reunion, success will be yours. Yet you will ring in 2016 still not having sewn together that green cardigan whose diverse pieces you completed in March of 2006. You will never sew those together. Ever. You realize that, right? You might as well start using them as dust rags.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Travel is indicated; sometimes over long distances, possibly even across the sea. You’ll do anything to find a skein of that discontinued yarn with the right dye lot, won’t you? Cripes.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Seek opportunities for growth in the company of potentially like-minded people. When these people try to tell you that the fiber guild field trip to the Lion Brand Yarn Outlet is not an excuse for buying fifty pounds of stash yarn, seek opportunities for growth in the company of a different group of potentially like-minded people.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Now is the moment to begin that huge, complicated lace shawl you have hesitated to touch ever since Betsy cajoled you into buying the yarn and pattern at the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival. Your success is assured. Have you started? No? Too bad. The moment has passed.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

As Mercury aligns with Mars, be cautious in dealing with those who seek to come between you and your passion for yarn. Expect ceaseless, distracting questions like, “When was the last time you cleaned this place?”, “Have you been outdoors since spring arrived?”, “Don’t you think you ought to put down that crochet hook for a few minutes and eat?”, and “Hey, did you notice your water just broke?”

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Don’t be caught off guard–a new romance is just over the horizon. When a person of more than modest good looks accidentally brushes your hand as you both reach for the same ball of silk/alpaca blend in the clearance bin at The Frantic Ewe, you’ll know he’s the one. And frankly, if you don’t want him I’ll take him.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

The ascendance of Jupiter brings with it the urge to “knit down” your yarn stash. If you must capitulate, do so in moderation. I’m not saying that a worldwide wool embargo will extinguish the global supply of reasonably-priced worsted weight; but I’m not saying that won’t happen, either.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Oh, where do I start? Or rather, where do you start? Seriously, honey, can we talk about the number of unfinished projects in your immediate vicinity? I think you may have serious commitment issues. Forget about the horoscope for now. I want you to stay put until the advice columnist comes in, and then she has a few questions for you about your parents’ marriage and your relationship with your father.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Venus will enter your seventh house and steal your good scissors.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

In case you’re wondering whether this will be the year that you can finally remember the differences between single, double, and half-double crochet without looking them up; the answer is no. But you will conquer the Granny Square and complete the afghan, just in time for everyone to get tired of Granny Squares again.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Although your naturally diplomatic nature delights in conflict resolution, you are in danger of becoming embroiled in an ongoing fight over which version of slip, slip, knit most perfectly mirrors knit two together. When sides are drawn, either bear yourself in battle that all may fear you; or say you’re stepping outside to check on the refreshments and don’t stop running until you’re so far from the guild meeting that nobody will ever hear from you again.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You will find all your lost stitch markers. Nah, I’m just kiddin’ ya. They’re gone.

—–
Writer, illustrator, and photographer Franklin Habit is the author of It Itches: A Stash of Knitting Cartoons (Interweave Press, 2008–now in its third printing) and proprietor of The Panopticon (the-panopticon.blogspot.com), one of the most popular knitting blogs on Internet. On an average day, upwards of 2,500 readers worldwide drop in for a mix of essays, cartoons, and the continuing adventures of Dolores the Sheep. Franklin’s other publishing experience in the fiber world includes contributions to Vogue Knitting, Yarn Market News, Interweave Knits, Interweave Crochet, PieceWork, Cast On: A Podcast for Knitters, Twist Collective, and a regular column on historic knitting patterns for Knitty.com.

These days, Franklin knits and spins in Chicago, Illinois, sharing a small city apartment with an Ashford spinning wheel and colony of sock yarn that multiplies alarmingly whenever his back is turned.

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  • Pam

    lol! That may be the most accurate horoscope I've ever received! Thanks, Franklin!

  • Nan Dalton

    omg, Virgo is sooooooo me. How did he know?

  • Geniap

    Certainly the most fun horoscope I've ever had!

  • Deebee

    I'm a Libra, so now I know what REALLY happened to the scissors

  • Donna

    I'm a Libra -- and had already bought a back-up pair of scissors before I read the forecast, so I am prepared!.

  • Ashley

    Well, the Virgo horoscope certainly was rude...

  • Andrea Forbes

    I'm an Aquarius and am sorry to say he is right about the green sweater (it's really blue but that's close enough).

  • http://mercantile519.ca mercantile519

    I'm a capricorn, and I don't even use stitch markers :(

  • Aleema

    I must say...THANK YOU!!!! how refreshing after Mercury retrograde!!!!

  • El

    Virgo, and ya, too many WIPs, UFOs, or whatever you want to refer to them as. I liked making that first wrister, can't I wear just one? Like Michael Jackson?

  • Heather

    Your column always make me laugh. Thank you, Franklin!

  • ThreadPaint

    LOL, I'm Cancer and not sure how my husband would feel about that. OK, I'm sure.

  • Tricia

    Okay. This is weird. I am a Taurus. And I just finished a shawl for my sister, Betsy. Never did a shawl before so feeling great about it. Very spooky!

  • ilr1950

    Im a Scorpio and I learned the difference between a single crochet, double crochet and half double crochet before I was in the first grade :)

  • Jeanett Jeanett

    I love reading your always-fun columns! I always get a chuckle! Virgo here, so true about the WIP's! Thanks for another funny and entertaining read! Oh and Happy Valentine's Day!

  • spinknits

    LOL, perfect!!! And yes, I have been on a "finishing" kick lately.

  • Jenny R.

    Capricorn here: How did you know lost my hand made markers? I had great hopes in eventually finding them, along with the mysterious disappearance of certain favorite crochet hooks, that pattern I printed off, that special yarn I was going to use....

  • COONEEN W

    Geez, I'm Virgo and, dang it, it is spot on. How does that happen?

  • suzanne

    I guess I really am an Aquarius. Just change the knitting to crochet. I have a basket of unfinished pieces. Not sure if I get bored or just have a fear of completion. I finish somethings that I really want to finish to give to someone. I guess I have to crochet with a purpose and not just for the heck of it.

  • hcb2013

    I'm a Gemini, and boy, that horoscope nailed it. Thank you, Franklin!

  • Cindy

    Too funny. Not much for us Capricorns, but my chair does eat my stitch markers and gives them back 90% of the time......

  • Bobbi Hathaway

    What happened to Capricorn? One line!

  • plagramma5

    mine was a good one was giving 8 trash bags full of yarn I don't to go on a field trip with like minded friends

  • Tina

    I amTaurus and lace kind of scares me ,so glad that the moment passed.