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Bait and Stitch by Franklin Habit

Writer, illustrator, and knitter Franklin Habit joins us for his monthly column featuring humor and insights into a yarncrafter’s life.

I don’t know about you, but if the person who invented the “click bait” headline suffered severe contusions after being buried alive in an avalanche of refurbished laptop computers I would not weep heavily into my handkerchief.

Unless you’re reading a transcription of this online article from a parchment scroll, you know what click bait is. You’re fooling around on the Internet when something like this catches your eye:

“She Ordered a Half-Caff Double Latte with Extra Foam. What She Got Instead Will Shock You.”

Being only human, you immediately cease writing a wry comment on the photograph of your sister-in-law’s new pet ocelot (a rescue, so cute) and click the link. Being only human, you brace yourself for the advertised shock.

Being only human, you are annoyed to find that What She Got Instead was not (as you had rather hoped) a cardboard cup containing a human nose; but a Half-Caff Double Latte without the Extra Foam. You have wasted two minutes of your life, you are not shocked, and in the meantime your own daughter has already written the clever thing you were going write on the picture of the ocelot.

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This was bad enough when it was new; now it has become pervasive. The time lost is the worst of it. We are all too busy, in a gadabout age, without running after shocks that do not shock and amazement that fails to amaze.

And those of us who have things to knit, to crochet, to weave–can we stand to lose precious moments this way? We cannot. Life is short. Yarn is long.

Therefore, as a service to the public, I have undertaken to collect the latest crop of click bait and present you with a concise summary of the bait beyond the click. If you wish to investigate further, at least you will know what you’re getting into.

 

She Told Him She Would Make Him a Scarf. What She Did Instead? I Can’t Believe My Eyes.

She made him a scarf and matching mittens.

 

Eleven Things That Can Destroy Your Knitting Project While You Watch

Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge. Not getting gauge.

 

This Guy Casts On For a Hat. What Happens Next? Get Out Your Tissues.

He joins to work in the round, being careful not to twist. It twists anyway.

 

The Yoke of This Sweater Will Make You Burst Into Tears

Seriously, the color combination is that bad.

 

The Definitive Ranking of the Ten Best Yarns Ever

It isn’t.

 

You Know You’re Addicted to Knitting When…

You knit a lot. 

 

Seven Things Only Knitters Will Understand

CO, yo, k2tog, p1, ssk, wyif, rep from *.

 

She Thought It Was Gone Forever, But…A Reunion That Will Make You Gasp.

Her favorite tape measure was between the couch cushions.

 

Fifteen Best Cities for Crochet Enthusiasts

They’re all Portland, Oregon.

 

She Thought She Had Moths In Her Stash. When She Looked Closer? I Got Goosebumps!

The moths are wearing scary clown costumes.

 

--

Designer, teacher, author and illustrator Franklin Habit is the author of It Itches: A Stash of Knitting Cartoons (Interweave Press, 2008) and proprietor of The Panopticon (the-panopticon.blogspot.com), one of the most popular knitting blogs on the Internet. On an average day, upwards of 2,500 readers worldwide drop in for a mix of essays, cartoons, and the continuing adventures of Dolores the Sheep.

Franklin’s varied experience in the fiber world includes contributions of writing and design to Vogue Knitting, Yarn Market News, Interweave Knits, Interweave Crochet, PieceWork, Twist Collective; and a regular columns and cartoons for Knitty.com, PLY Magazine, Lion Brand Yarns, and Skacel Collection. Many of his independently published designs are available via Ravelry.com.

He travels constantly to teach knitters at shops and guilds across the country and internationally; and has been a popular member of the faculties of such festivals as Vogue Knitting Live!, Squam Arts Workshops, STITCHES events, and the Madrona Fiber Arts Winter Retreat.

Franklin lives in Chicago, Illinois, cohabiting shamelessly with 15,000 books, a Schacht spinning wheel, and a colony of yarn that multiplies whenever his back is turned.

 

 

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  • Gill

    I really enjoyed reading this, I had a good giggle!
    Thanks
    Gill

  • Susan Day

    Very funny, Franklin! Just what I needed at 5:43 pm on a Friday after banging my head on my computer and my desk most of the afternoon. It's a good start to the weekend. (hahahaha - all of them are Portland, OR - I'm from Seattle!)

  • Kathryn Pless

    "She Thought It Was Gone Forever, But…A Reunion That Will Make You Gasp.
    Her favorite tape measure was between the couch cushions."



    This one really made me laugh. I had lost both of my treasured measuring tapes, even accused my daughter of "borrowing" them only to find them a few days later buried in my stash.

  • Jen

    Even worse, My favorite size K crochet hook fell on the floor and BROKE ! It was a wooden hook from Furls (believe me, a not cheap plastic one), so I had to wait several months to get a replacement. Even worse, had to finish my project with my metal Bates K hook, so old that the finish is wearing of. Oh, the Humanity!!!

  • Melissa Dennis

    Eleven Things That Can Destroy Your Crocheting Project While You Watch .... Mayhem, Linus, Mikey, Gretchen, Rachel, Hikaru, Bailey, Storm, River, Renji, Juji, Whimsy, Mai, Nina! OH, Wait!! That's fourteen!

  • http://mrsfife.wordpress.com Swapna Eleswarapu

    I don't click on any of those things. The captions set my teeth on edge.

  • Deborah Hale

    "Life is short. Yarn is long."


    Thank you, Franklin! I've discovered my new motto! Previously, it was "Better to have and not need than to need and not have."

  • Carole Wren

    does anyone know what coated white cotton is?

  • prettyknitty

    You never disappoint, Franklin! Another great post!

  • Bora

    Seven Things Only Knitters Will Understand

    CO, yo, k2tog, p1, ssk, wyif, rep from *.

    I see eight - there is no * to repeat from- Hahahaha
    Love this post! Thanks for the continued humor.

  • http://www.nicolepieri.com Nicole Pieri

    Very, very funny :) Actually, there is a Twitter account I follow that does that exact thing with real clickbait headlines - https://twitter.com/SavedYouAClick